Let Go In the fall of 2015, I was training for a race for November. The training plan began in July, because for a race, you have to begin months ahead of time. As with any goal you work towards, time and energy and effort are involved. When the training began, I did not have much of a time goal with the race, only to finish. However, as training moved along, this particular leg of training became much more of a transformation than I had anticipated. In the month of August, I began to experience difficulties among friendships, which created quite a bit of new anxiety in me. I was rather confused and frustrated by the lack of communication from people in my life, and lack of mutual interest, where there once had been strong bonds. I was frustrated over people saying one thing but doing another, when I felt like I was consistently available for their needs. When I would train in the mornings, I would have time to think and pray. I was confused by the actions of these so-called friends, and therefore, when I would run, I would pound out my frustrations in ever step I took. I found myself running little bit harder, a little bit farther, without that being my intention. Meanwhile, I was reading the book Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, the story of Louis Zamperini. I found myself thinking about his story often during my runs, and I was inspired. His story inspired me in my faith, in my running, and in every step I took. During this leg of training I could not get the words “let go” out of my mind.I found myself in a season of life which was hard to explain or define or put into words. And so for lack of words, I mostly held them in. Few were exposed to the depth of emotion coursing through me at this time, in part because it was not only hard to explain as the person walking through it, it was far more difficult for those walking next to me to understand it. Only those with the greatest love could quietly understand, or patiently love me through this season. To break down the thoughts posed a challenge, because several pieces made up these challenges. And my training journey at that time began to parallel the personal challenges. Many runners choose a mantra, or a phrase to push them through to the finish line. I have only a few times done that myself. This time, though, as I trained through the end of summer and early fall, my training took on a new level of meaning. It became more about refining my soul than it was about refining my time. Nonetheless, I formed a time goal in the midst of also forming a personal goal. The journey became one very close to my heart, a stretch of time that has forever changed me. That leg of my training became about overcoming my personal beasts. "Let Go", after reading it in Louis Zamperini’s story, became my mantra during the fall of 2015, and that phrase became applicable in different aspects of life. As I pushed towards a goal I had never met in my running, one which was achievable, but challenging, I also began pushing through the difficulties of life and telling myself to let go. Let go of the comparisons- the I’m not good enough statements. Let go of the expectations- the ones I place on myself as much as the ones others place on me. Let go of the hurts the burn deep in my soul on the dark days, the ones that haunt my heart and mind and shout at me that I will never be good enough. Let go of my past. Let go of my anxieties. Let go even of my dreams a little and just be. Just be me. Yes, that includes dreaming, but it also includes, at times, letting go of a dream and being ok with that. Let go of love. Sometimes it means letting go of an expectation of what love is supposed to look like. Saying goodbye to the fairy tale that exists within the mind. Let go of friends. I have to let go of a friendship sometimes, accept that it was there for a season for a reason, but let go and move on, make room for the next person God might want to use to teach me. And when I let go, I found that I could really let go in my running. I could push through the walls. I could run faster. I could be the runner I have dreamed of being, because I became free. I did not let those burdens, expectations, comparisons and hurts weigh me down. Let go. Open up. Run hard. Be me. This was not easy for me. No doubt it was even more challenging for Louis Zamperini. Yet he conquered the odds and made it to the Olympics and ran an amazing race. He also went on to become an amazing man of the Lord, and he showed the world what forgiveness can look like when it’s truly extended. In my life, especially during this time, anxiety is my “thorn.” People will tell me to just stop letting it rule me. Or that I need to read the Bible more or put more scripture in front of me. The problem is, they are not fighting my anxiety battle. The spiral of emotion that carries me down a path of heartbreak and despair. The battle that is silently fought every single day in my mind. The feeling of panic rising in me daily that those around me are mad at me, that I’m not good enough, that I will never be the woman I have dreamed of becoming.... so I might as well give up. But I am a fighter. And I am determined to Let Go. This training journey became so personal, such a deeper journey than becoming faster. This particular leg of training for this fall race became a significant time between me and God. This time it wasn’t about overcoming grief or missing my mom; it was not about learning who I was and accepting that. This training journey wasn’t about whether or not I would become someone greater in the office. No, this leg of the journey grew close to my heart. It became about fighting the battle of anxiety and letting go. It is what it is, and I accept that, but I also have to let go. I do not let go well. I hold on to people and to words like a child grips its safety blanket. My heart beats happier when a man loves me, a friend calls me, or a person compliments me. And in this season, it became time to let go of that. And to hold my hands out to my Father and just say “Here I am... I have let go....” And see where He will take me. Faster in my pace, perhaps... as that is part of my goal. But Further in my faith is the end goal, really. I may never conquer anxiety; but perhaps I can, by His grace, conquer the need to control it. And just let go. Running parallels my life often times. This journey is in particular a private one, but a very important marker in the line of life. "A lifetime of glory is worth a moment of pain.... let go" (Pete Zamperini).